The Joke :
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell on his arse. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling on his arse again. Slowly he dragged himself outside for some fresh air to see if that would sober him up. Once outside, he tried to stand up and, sure enough, fell flat on his arse. Being a stubborn old codger he crawled all the way home. Once there he crawled up the stairs and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into the bed. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, 'So, ye've been oot getting' blotto again!'
'Nae Ah huvnae?' he assured her.
'I ye huv,' she yelled, 'The pub rang tae say ye left yer bloody wheelchair there again!'
[From Why Did the Haggis Cross the Road by Stuart McLean]