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A short Scottish Script for your amusement . . . so funny you may well laugh your socks off (provided you're not wearing your wellies.

Script Title : The CockCam Doctor. by Stuart Macfarlane

Script :

F/X: NOISE OF BUSY HOSPITAL RECEPTION.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Hello, I’m here for my 2 o’clock appointment (LOWERS VOICE) to have my thingy checked.

RECEPTIONIST #1: (ABRUPTLY) Name?

MRS WELLBYFECK: Agnes . . . Agnes Wellbyfeck

RECEPTIONIST #1: (LOUD AND DISAPPROVINGLY) That’s another patient for the CockCam Doctor.

RECEPTIONIST #2: (SNEERING) I don’t know how he fits them all in.


F/X: SOUND OF RECEPTIONISTS SNIGGERING.


RECEPTIONIST #1: Right Mrs Wellbyfeck go to waiting room one-hundred-and- twenty-seven – straight along the corridor.


F/X: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS ECHOING THROUGH HOSPITAL CORRIDORS.


MRS WELLBYFECK: Is this queue for . . . for . . . the whatsit?

PATIENT #1: The CockCam Doctor?

MRS WELLBYFECK: Ahaaa . . . yes . . . I think that’s what they called him.

PATIENT #1: Well, you’re in the right place.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Are you . . . uhh . . . all waiting?

PATIENT #1: We’re the standby patients.

MRS WELLBYFECK: The what?

PATIENT #1: We’re on standby. If someone doesn’t turn up one of us gets the appointment.

PATIENT #2: You got an appointment?

MRS WELLBYFECK: Me? . . . Yes . . . 2 o’clock.

PATIENT #2: Oooh, you lucky bastard.

PATIENT #1: I’ve been standing here for 6 days hoping to see him.

PATIENT #2: Yeah it’s not fair is it?


F/X: SOUND OF DOOR OPENING.


COCKCAM DOCTOR: Mrs Wellbyfeck please.


F/X: SOUND OF WALKING THEN DOOR CLOSING.


COCKCAM DOCTOR: (PANTING) Do take a seat.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh, you’re looking ever so tired. Are you alright?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Yes, yes, it’s just so hectic here. You’re my 18th patient today.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Ooooh . . . that’s a shame.

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Right Mrs Wellbyfeck we best get started, please take off all your clothes and lie down on the bed.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Okay doctor.


F/X: SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING AND THEN BEDSPRINGS.



MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh doctor . . . why are you getting undressed?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Didn’t reception explain the new procedure for your endoscopy?

MRS WELLBYFECK: No, they didn’t say nothing.

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Dear, dear. Useless bunch. Well let me tell you all about it. What I’m going to do is to give your inners a good old

examination with the CockCam.



MRS WELLBYFECK: CockCam? What’s a CockCam?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: It’s an amazing piece of micro-technology. The CockCam is tiny camera and has been transplanted onto the end of my penis. Have a look, you can barely see it.

MRS WELLBYFECK: (EMBARASSED) Oooooo! That is big . . . I mean small.
(PAUSE) So what do you do with it?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Well I put it inside you and take a jolly good look around. It’s completely painless and in fact most of my patients quite like it.

MRS WELLBYFECK: But why does it have to be on your . . . your thingy? Why not use the normal type of camera?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Far too expensive. Cut backs you know. Hospitals need to save as much money as they can.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh. Right.

COCKCAM DOCTOR: So let’s get on with it. Lie back and get comfortable. Then we can begin.


F/X: SOUND OF BEDSPRINGS GOING UP AND DOWN.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Ohhh . . . ohhhhh . . . oooohhhhhhh.


F/X: SOUND OF BEDSPRINGS GOING UP AND DOWN –MORE FRANTICALLY.


MRS WELLBYFECK & COCKCAM DOCTOR: Ohhh . . . ahhh . . . ohhhhh . . . ooooooohhhhhhh . . ooh . . . aah . . . ooh (AT SCREEMING PITCH)

ooohhhhhhhhhh!!!

COCKCAM DOCTOR: There, that wasn’t so bad was it?

MRS WELLBYFECK: (PANTING) No, it was quite pleasant actually . . . (PAUSE)

. . . but tell me something, why is it cheaper using the CockCam.

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Well with the traditional method the staffing costs were horrendous but my way is really cheap . . . you see . . . I do it all for free.


END


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Script is copyright Stuart Macfarlane - you are free to use it provided you request permission from the webmaster.

 
 
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