AN ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS NATIVITY PLAY - The Clean Version for Schools and Drama Clubs
(Also suitable for Martian Vegetarians)
SCENE ONE, ACT ONE
Council House in Drumchapel, Glasgow. Sound of television blaring in the background.
JOSEPH Right, we’d best be off to Bethlehem.
MARY Do we have to go? There’s a dead brilliant program on the telly?
JOSEPH Of course we have to go – you’ll get another blooming ASBO if you don’t show up. (Note 1)
MARY Oh damn – I can’t be bothered. Phone them up and tell them we can’t make it.
JOSEPH Don’t be so stupid, Stupid, – the phone hasn’t been invented yet – and neither has the television for that matter.
Sound Effects: Television suddenly stops blaring in background – deadly silence.
Mary looks around as if suddenly woken from a trance.
MARY So I suppose we can’t use the car either then.
JOSEPH No – it’s not been invented – and anyway I can’t afford one.
MARY So we have to walk?
MARY I can’t do it – not in my condition.
JOSEPH Well, it’s your own blinkin' fault – getting yourself pregnant.
MARY Don’t blame me – I’m still a virgin you know.
JOSEPH Yeah – right!
MARY It’s true – it came from the Holy Spirit.
JOSEPH I know – I heard you shouting, “Oh my God . . . Oh my God”.
MARY Honest . . . I wouldn’t tell you a lie . . . I’ve never even kissed a man.
JOSEPH Would you go on Trisha and take a DNA test?
Mary freezes - stares straight ahead - mouth agog.
Sound Effects: Silence – complete lack of Mary saying anything.
MARY (Changing the subject) So if we’re going to Bethlehem can we at least take a donkey-taxi.
Sure. Okay. I’ll call one . . . . Darn and blast!
MARY What’s up?
JOSEPH Just remembered – they haven’t invented phones yet.
SCENE ONE, ACT ONE AND A HALF
[CAROL :- We three king
of Govan are.]
We three kings of Govan are;
Went tae Glasgow oan the back of a car,
Broken down fountain, dropped from a mountain,
Landed on my guitar.
1st WISE PERSON Sugar and watermelons – what’s that bright thing in the sky.
2nd WISE PERSON It’s
just a supersonic aeroplane.
1st WISE PERSON Can’t be - aeroplanes haven’t been invented yet.
2nd WISE PERSON Oh
haven't they? Well it must be a sign from God to let us know that he has sent his only son to suffer and die so that we all may be saved from eternal damnation in Hell.
1st WISE PERSON Spot on Wise Person – let’s follow it – wherever it may lead us.
STAR: Hello everyone. I don’t have a speaking part – but pillocks, I spent three weeks at rehearsals, so I’ve got every bit a right to speak as the rest of them.
TREE: Good point Star – (waves frantically) Hello Mummy . . . Hello Aunt Lucinda . . . Hello . . .
COW: Shut up you two – you always spoil everything.
3rd WISE PERSON punches TREE. TREE falls to stage and remains there for rest of act.
3rd WISE PERSON We’d better take along some presents.
1st WISE PERSON (In a moaning voice) Do we have to?
3rd WISE PERSON Yeah! It’s Christmas after all.
2nd WISE PERSON Sugar-Lumps – I’ll need to nip along to Woolworths for something.
Mary and Joseph are standing at the door of the inn. (The one round the corner from the chemists – next to the traffic lights)
The Innkeeper is standing in the doorway - he has a computer game in his hand and is concentrating furiously on it.)
[CAROL :- COME ALL YE FAITHLESS]
O come, all ye faithless, jobless and redundant,
O come ye, O come ye, to Bir-ir-mingham.
Come on it's so grim for you might find
O come, all ye faithless . . . . (fade out)
JOSEPH So have you got a room?
INNKEEPER (Playing with his computer game and barely looking up) Nope.
MARY But my baby could drop at any moment – you must have something.
INNKEEPER Well – you can have free use of my castle – it’s got seventy-three rooms and ten bathrooms – so that will give you some space to get comfortable.
JOSEPH Don’t be stupid man.
INNKEEPER (Indignant) What’s up with that?
JOSEPH She’s about to have the son of God - or at least that's what she claims. It wouldn’t look right if he was born in a castle! When they write his biography it needs to be a dramatic rags to riches story . . . well rags to crucifixion story actually. A castle’s far too . . . too middle-class.
INNKEEPER You could have the stable if you wish.
JOSEPH Is it cold and damp and covered in cow dung?
INNKEEPER No – it’s actually quite cosy and clean.
JOSEPH Could you go and rough it up a bit – we’re expecting some wise men at anytime.
INNKEEPER No problem - consider it done.
INNKEEPER returns to his computer game.
SCENE TWO – ACT TWO
In a big field – full of mad cows and strangely betrayed sheep.
1st SHEPHERD The sheep seem very restless tonight.
2nd SHEPHERD Have you been up to your old tricks again 3rd-Sheperd.
3rd SHEPHERD I haven’t touched any of the . . . honest.
Sound Effects: Flashing lights – thunder – lay it on thick.
The ARCH ANGEL appears – lowered on a rope from above. Arch Angel swings about awkwardly looking like he might fall at any moment.
4th SHEPHERD What in Christ's name is that!
1st SHEPHERD Who's Christ?
SHEPHERD You know . . . the son of what's-he-called . . . the all-mighty
one . . .
1st SHEPHERD What? Simon Cowell?
4th SHEPHERD No!!
3rd SHEPHERD Wait a moment – there’s only supposed to be three shepherds.
1st SHEPHERD That’s right – where the hell did he come from.
2nd SHEPHERD I know – he’s that useless twat that failed the auditions.
1st, 2nd and 3rd SHEPHERDS Get lost you – go on – get off the bloomin' stage.
4th SHEPHERD Away and break a blinking leg the lot of you – bunch of no good wasters.
ARCH ANGEL Fear not o’ lowly shepherds – I bring you tidings of joy.
2nd SHEPHERD Our pay rise has finally come through?
ARCH ANGEL No nothing quite so amazing as that – but tonight a child will be born who will change the world – he will be the new king.
1st SHEPHERD What Elvis? Elvis is being born tonight?
ARCH ANGEL Not Elvis stupid – Jesus – Jesus Christ.
3rd SHEPHERD There’s no need for blasphemy!
[CAROL :- WHILST SHEPHERDS CUDDLE THEIR SHEEP BY NIGHT]
While shepherds cuddled their sheep by night,
All snuggled on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And soon they were all drowned.
SCENE TWO – ACT THREE
Nothing happens in this act.
In the dung covered stable – surrounded by dung covered cows.
MARY Owwww – ouchhhh – waaaa – ochhy waawaaa oachhhh
JOSEPH Stop blooming moaning – I’m trying to get some sleep.
MARY The damn wean’s about to drop.
JOSEPH Just get on with it woman - you're giving it more drama than a soap opera - stop hamming it up.
MARY Ohhhhh – Oh my God.
Sound Effects: Slurping sort of noise – sort of thing of a ten pound baby coming gushing out a woman’s lower regions might make.
JESUS Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaa . . . Waaaaaaa
(In an almighty voice) It’s a boy . . . Yippeeeeee.
JOSEPH Will you shut that wean up for Christ sake.
GOD and JOSEPH Yes my son.
JESUS Yes my sons.
GOD I'm the Daddy
JOSEPH No I'm the Daddy
JESUS No, none of you are - I am the father of all
GOD This is too confusing – I’m out of here.
Sound Effects: Sound of knocking - (A stable door sort of knock - not your common or garden knock)
MARY Joseph answer the stable door.
JOSEPH Too late the horse has bolted.
COW Moooo – Mooooo – Mooooove over, I can see my mum in the audience.
SHEEP Baaaa Baaaa Baaaa – Baaaaarnacles, my dad’s pissed out his mind!
Mary and Joseph cuddle their child.
moves across the stage.
DALEK: Exterminate . . . exterminate . .
. Ooooops . . . Excuse me . . . think I’m in the wrong play . . . . exterminate . . . exterminate . .
Sound Effects: Jesus craps down Mary’s best dress.
SCENE THREE - ACT EIGHTY-FOUR
Still in the shitty stable – but now the wise men and shepherds have arrived so it smells even shittier.
JOSEPH Welcome to our humble abode.
MARY He means stable.
JOSEPH No I don’t, I mean abode – I learnt my lines, so shut up.
6th TREE I’ve wet my panties.
1st SHEPHERD We be coming here on a
very strange and mysterious errand. (Looking at the 2nd SHEEP - Hiya Gordon – going for a burger after this?) An angel told us that a wondrous baby would be born here tonight and he would be saviour of all the world.
JOSEPH Well . . . I wouldn’t call him wondrous but he's okay for a wean.
JESUS Hey – watch what you’re saying about me - remember who I am!
JOSEPH Cool it Jeeze - you only got the part 'cos you're the teachers pet.
1st WISE PERSON I have brought you gold.
JOSEPH Excellent – maybe I can buy a car now . . . well when they finally get round to inventing them.
2nd WISE PERSON And I have brought you frankincense.
MARY Oh thanks. My Channel Number 5 is nearly finished.
3rd WISE PERSON And I have brought you myrrh
JESUS Myrrh? Myrrh? You bring me bloomin' myrrh? Could you not have brought me a teddy bear or an X-Box or something
3rd WISE PERSON Sorry Big-J, Woolworths was shut – only Boots the Chemist was open.
JESUS Well this is turning out to be one darn rotten birthday I can tell you.
GOD Listen you lot down there – Gonnae just stop moaning all the time – I’m trying to get some rest. Blooming anti-social neighbours! Don’t know why I bother!!!
THE END - ( Well the beginning actually.)
(Note 1) ASBO – Anti-Social Behaviour Order is an award given to hooligans for violent behaviour, wrecking cars, killing cats, eating haggis etc etc etc
(Note 2) Woolworths used to be a dead famous chain of shops until it
stopped being a chain of shops and became dead famous chain of empty
shops [every high street just had to have an empty shop that every one
passed and said 'That used to be Woolworths . . . shame'.] Eventually it
stopped being a dead famous chain of empty shops and became an urban
myth and people would say, "I remember way back when I was a young lad -
used to go down to Woolworths every Saturday - great shop - you could
nick anything there."
Script is copyright
Stuart Macfarlane - you are free to use it provided you request
permission from the webmaster.